In today’s society of quick meals, lightning fast information and blazing to-do lists, it’s no wonder that divorce percentages are on the rise. We’ve made it terribly easy to end what should be a lifelong contract.
Have you ever been involved in contract disputes or worked diligently to hammer out the details of an agreement? What about if said agreement is broken? You may spend months, in some cases years trying to get it resolved. And that may be just a business matter or something else that in the grand scheme of your life barely matters.
My point is that collectively I think we take marriage too lightly. People figure that if it’s not going well in a couple of years, we’ll end it and start over with someone new. At that point you’ve broken your contract to each other (I’ll keep the religious implications to myself as I feel that will spark an even larger controversy). And why do people break those contracts; boredom, not what you expected, “irreconcilable differences”? These are not reasons for divorce. These are reasons to placate your ego and try to play the field again.
So is it all bad? Nope. There are legitimate reasons for divorce; marital infidelity, loss of trust, and addictions spring to mind. A family member of mine was married to a selfish, lazy, drug addict for a little under a year. To stay in that marriage would have crushed her soul. Now, we all advised against it in the first place but you know how well a family member who’s deeply in love responds to a confrontation like that.
The best advice I can offer is before you enter into that marriage pact, you be 100% sure that’s who you want to spend (and do) your life with. If you have even the slightest hesitation, wait. Spend some more time courting each other and learning as much about each other as you can. Don’t end up in the drive through lane of McDivorce’s when you think it’s going to work out.
Submitted by Brian McMeans.
#2 "Choosing" Divorce
Let's face it. Divorce is bad. When all other options are gone, and you are "choosing" divorce - it'd be a lie to say it any other way, "divorce is bad."
I'm not going to play the semantics game on this one...whether or not "divorce" is bad, or the actions leading up to the divorce are bad. I'll suffice it to say - spouses that have been through a divorce (or close enough to know the depth of that pain) think divorce is bad. No one truly "wants" a divorce.
Here we have the lesser of two bad options: stay together and be miserable or divorce and be miserable. Notice the outcomes are the same under both circumstances. People choose divorce for varying reasons - circumstances, of course, play a large part in this type of decision. Still, no one guarantees that life after divorce will be any better... My mother-in-law always says, "You're just trading one set of problems for another."
Submitted by Jason L. Buchanan. Visit his Facebook Profile.
#3 Divorce Is Great!
Divorce is great! At least it was in my case... Sure, when my parents divorced, it was difficult, but with the difficulty also came the great sigh of relief that at least, finally, the two of them and our family as a whole could grow and move on to healthier and happier times. Eventually, both remarried, and have grown in ways that have been critical to their (and, in all honestly, my) happiness and that they never would have been able to if they'd remained married.
Divorce is neither good nor bad. Much like unicorns and leprechauns, "perfect" marriages just don't exist (because there are no "perfect" people). What does exist is two people trying to do the best they can at something very difficult: sharing one's life with another person. Everyone's capacity to do the things necessary for that (e.g., forgiveness, kindness, patience, compromise, etc.) is different. When people overestimate their capacity for these things and find themselves absolutely miserable in a marriage that will never lead to happiness or even contentedness, I think divorce can bring a great catharsis and opportunity for growth for all involved (including the children of that marriage). When people underestimate their capacity for these things and get lazy or too selfish to even try, however, I think divorce is tragic. In the end, only the two people involved in the marriage can know which of these they are confronting when they are contemplating divorce, and thus, only they will know whether it was a good or bad decision.
As for the greater societal impacts of divorce, well, that's another question. I know there are a lot of supposed negative impacts of divorce like children having emotional baggage, absentee dads, increased crime rates, poor school performance, global warming, JFK's assassination, who knows what else, etc., etc., ad nauseam. Everyone seems to lament the rising divorce rate, and it's horrible implications. However, why don't people more lament children getting married far too young to know their you-know-what from a hole in the ground much less how to have a happy and fulfilling marriage? Why don't people more lament the growing mindset that no one should have to compromise on anything and it's yourself who matters most? The supposed negative impacts of divorce on society as a whole are not the fault of divorce at all, but rather, the fault of people who have succumbed to the above pitfalls. How can one blame divorce and not the causes of it? Divorce is not the problem, but rather, the problem is how it has become acceptable for men and women to not act like adults during and after a divorce. For example, if a wife divorces her husband, there's no reason for her to act like she's in grade school and throw a hissy fit or complain to their children when the husband remarries; she needs to put on her big girl panties and act like an adult. Or another example: If a man divorces his wife because he's met someone younger, gotten hair plugs, and wants to re-live his 20s, he should go for it (truthfully, the wife would probably be better off). But, he has no reason to think he doesn't need to pay child support or give up the marital mansion so his kids can maintain their lifestyle. The man needs to sack up, own his decisions, and act like an adult.
It's not divorce that causes the people above to act in the ways that bring about negative impacts; it's the way people handle themselves. More and more people do not take the decision to enter into marriage, to have children, or their obligations to their wife, their husband, or their children very seriously. With visions of Norman Rockwell paintings and aprons and lawn mowers and houses in the suburbs dancing in their heads, they are shocked when the realities of those things take more work than anticipated and they either bolt without thinking or stay "for the sake of the kids" in miserable situations hurting themselves, their spouse, and their children in the process. In either case, the person is so caught up in their individual needs and concerns (yes, even in "for the kids" scenarios because that is ridiculous; they are really staying because they are afraid of the unknown), that they fail to act reasonably and with the ability to see the bigger picture that the situation requires. It is as though individualism has breached it's duty to also take responsibility for one's actions.
This, to me, is what is "bad", not divorce in general.
Submitted by Amanda Rogers, Esq. Visit her blog - Seven Eighty One.
#4 God Brings Good Things Out Of Bad Things All The Time
Divorce is justifiable in select situations, but married couples too easily give up.
Life has made me well-qualified to discuss this topic. My parents divorced when I was four, both got remarried to other spouses a few years after that, and my mom recently divorced my stepfather of 18 years. First off, let me say that, although these biographical tidbits seem bleak, I consider myself overwhelmingly blessed in my family life. My biological parents' divorce resulted in me having four extremely loving parents and four top-rate half siblings, which I consider “whole” siblings. I got to experience life through the lenses of two families living in two different places and holding two opposite world views, not to mention I was the beneficiary of Christmas presents from eleven different grandparents.
Let me be upfront: I refuse to say whether my parents' divorces were justifiable. I have no idea what either my dad and mom or mom and stepdad went through in their marriages. But here's what I can say with conviction, and I'm obviously using the epistemological foundation of Scripture:
- Marriage was the first institution created by God and therefore must be important and taken seriously (Gen. 1-3).
- Marriage is meant to be lasting. In Matthew 19:6, Jesus says, “So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.")
- God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16).
- There's nothing in the marriage vows that say personal unhappiness is an excuse for divorce.
- The apostle Paul condoned divorce if a spouse committed adultery or if an unbelieving spouse no longer wanted to be married to a believing spouse (1 Cor. 7).
- When the Israelites returned from the Babylonian exile in 6th century BC, they made amends with God by “putting away” their pagan wives (Ezra 9), though scholars debate whether this could be considered divorce because the marriages perhaps weren't considered legitimate in the first place.
- Spouses should not have to stay in a married relationship that is physically or emotionally abusive.
- Marriage is difficult and I'm assuming that most if not all married couples have times of extreme trial in their marriage.
- Out of divorce often comes definite blessings, as in my family's case.
- Who knows if more blessings might have resulted if my parents hadn't divorced?
- It seems to me, divorce is overused and is the perceived easy escape from difficulties. Furthermore, much can be gained from sticking-it-out and relying on a power outside of oneself to save the marriage.
- Marriage is meant to reflect the relationship between Christ and his church. Thus, the primary purpose of marriage is to reflect God's glory. The primary purpose is NOT the personal happiness of the individuals involved.
- Our culture too often assumes that the happiness of parents is the most critical factor in the health of their children. But what about stability and community of a family that stays together? Are these not also critical factors?
Submitted by Amanda Stevens. Visit her Facebook Profile.
#5 Seriously, Grow Up!
Depending on the situation...No. Is it weak? Completely!
For it to have to come to that point is completely ridiculous. If two people in a completely monogamous relationship communicate and share every aspect of each others lives - mentally, spiritually, physically, emotionally & sexually - there really should not be any problems if there is complete honesty between the two. If the view and opinions change that radically to make it come to the point of divorce, it had to have happened over a period of time. That period of time they could have fixed things.
There are those cases where physical abuse is introduced into the picture and I would say that is a completely valid reason for getting out. RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN AWAY FROM THAT MARRIAGE!! No one deserves to be treated that way…there is someone bigger and better out there and God has a plan for you!
When it comes down to it, I blame most divorce cases on laziness...
- Being too lazy to communicate with your spouse.
- Being too lazy to talk things out and say what you really feel.
- Being too lazy to spend time with your family and children.
“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” - Philippians 4:13.
Submitted by Aubree Averkamp.
#6 With Or Without That Warm And Fuzzy Feeling
Not too long ago, my answer to this would always be a resounding,"OF COURSE!" possibly followed by a mumbled "duh!"
Lately, I have heard several people say about divorced couples things like "they're really better off this way," and once or twice I have had to agree. My own response here shocks me, and so I reflect.
There are these situations wherein I have to agree that the children are better off or that one party or the other is now able to have a better life, etc. I think eventually, though, it comes down to what the marriage was to begin with. So i am coming to the conclusion that it is not so much the rate of divorce that alarms me as it is the frequency of what I will call (for the sake of this writing) "untrue marriage."
I fail to believe than any two people who begin marriage with the presupposition that if it doesn't work out, they can get a divorce, have entered into a true marriage. Marriage needs to mean forever. And if it doesn't, I'm really not sure what the point is. Also, if a marriage includes one or more persons who do not take seriously faithfulness and loyalty, the marriage is not true. This also applies to marriages in which one party or the other believes that love is a feeling and not an action. The vow to "love, honor, and cherish" wouldn't be a vow if someone somewhere - or a lot of someones somewhere - didn't believe that loving could be willed, with or without that warm and fuzzy feeling we get when we're in love or being romanced.
Before we were married, my husband and i agreed that "divorce is not an option." It was our mantra, meaning that we are in this together, and no matter what problem arises, there has to be something to solve it other than divorce.
I'm not naive. I know that if I were ever married to a man who ever did something as awful and horrifying as hurting our children or molesting someone, that I could not continue to live with him. That said, (with my tongue in my cheek...sort of) divorce would still not be necessary; if my husband molested my child, I would more likely become a widow than a divorcee.
Submitted by Beth Rogers. Visit her blog - Veritable Observations.
